The place of understanding

How are expat relationships different from “normal ones?” Is there even such a thing, as a “normal relationship”.

One of the most important aspects to build in any relationship is the common ground of understanding. Especially where one of you in the relationship is an expat. It’s an integral part of the structure of your relationship and can influence how the two of you discuss and think about topics.

The two of you need to understand the uniqueness of your relationship.

In terms of employment, it could mean that your partner is on the move every few years; between cities or even countries. This will affect aspects of your life such as your own employment, the raising of children, your idea of ‘settling down’, and so many other things.

In this regard, the two of you will encounter many unique scenarios your other married friends may not have experienced before. It might feel lonely as no-one will understand your struggle. So one of the most important elements is creating that understanding between the two of you first.

The normal uncertainty of life

Life is uncertain, living with people is uncertain too. However as mentioned before, married expat life throws in a whole different set of complications and uncertainties too. If you choose to follow your spouse there will be a lot more uncertainties.

In some ways, your spouse’s work can be a blessing since they may often cover things like accommodation and allowances; all of which can help you settle into your new destination. However, these aren’t the only things to watch out for and be prepared for.

In the first few months to half a year, this can seem tedious, however, as you and your spouse discuss and wait for approval from your expat spouse’s work with regards to visas, permanent living locations, and maybe even school locations.

When is the time when you go from inhabiting a certain place, to living in it? If you’d like an answer to that question, check out a new blog piece I’ve written here.

There are also uncertainties that only you and your spouse will be able to work through.

These are the emotional demands the expat life might have on you. How will you be able to make something of yourself for the months or years your partner is busy working? Some people cannot handle this amount of uncertainty. Whether it is not knowing what you will be doing for the duration of your stay, or perhaps it’s not knowing whether or not leaving the comfort and security of your current location is ‘worth it.’

Is it worthwhile to quit my job?

Often in the conversation around moving locations is the thought, ‘is what I’m moving to better than what I’m leaving behind?’ Your approach to this question will depend on your own personality.

Leaving your current location and job might mean;

• Not compromising on time with your spouse,
• Not having to pay for regular flights to see each other,
• And not paying for two residences,

These are some really good reasons to follow your expat partner. Perhaps in your case, the most important part is keeping the family together and the rest will fall into place.

But what about;

• If you are more focussed on your career in your current location,
• or maybe you have children who are going to school and the move might be too much for them,
• Maybe you have other financial, volunteering, or familial commitments where you live now…

Is this expat life for you, then? These are some strong points to consider, against moving with your spouse. Maybe, but you will need to have your own discussions amongst yourselves.

If you would like some more answers to the question; “Why should I do this?”. Follow this link here to another article I wrote on the subject.

Moving overseas to accommodate your expat spouse doesn’t have to be for everyone. The important thing is communicating your feelings clearly, understanding each others fears and dreams, as well as being open to try new things.

If I am an expat spouse, what does that say about me?

Some might say that following your spouse for their work, puts you on the backfoot. It makes you look subservient, or at least takes the focus away from who you are.

But then again, if you were to stay, and let your expat spouse go on their own, people would still have negative things to say.

There are so many choices to make, and often it can be hard to know who to listen to. If you’d like to read about the confusing reality of answering “Who am I?”, as a trailing spouse. Follow my article here.

The language we use for certain ideas can be really telling. If you are, what’s called, a trailing-spouse, does that make you any more or less of a person? Of course not, we all knew that, but sometimes we need to hear and read it.

There will be many people that do not understand all the various aspects of your relationship. But they still feel the need to comment on it and give unsolicited advice. This advice is oftentimes less about understanding, and more about imposing peoples’ views on your life experiences. 

How could you leave your job just to live in another city? They don’t see the support network you have created for your spouse, ultimately making the entire relationship much more rich and loving. 

How could you not leave your city and stay at home working? Isn’t that selfish? No. People don’t see the sacrifices both of you make. They can’t see the potential months or years of sacrifice, when compared to the lifetime together you are preparing for.

People will always tell you what the they think is best, and it isn’t always what you need to hear.

Start from the family unit, are you and your spouse happy with your course of action? Then are close friends or family ok with it? Then that’s all the people you really need to accommodate for. You get to choose who are the important people in your life.