The world is forever changing, if COVID-19 didn’t already tell you that. Our understandings of many things can change drastically in a short period of time. The same can be said about how we understand the relationship between life, work, family, and enjoyment. The past 10 years have seen advances in office and workplace equality. Gender balances and tackling discrimination have come to the forefront of many companies concerns. Despite the radically different workplaces we live in today, many of our work structures remain the same. The issue of the trailing spouse is one that highlights where our beliefs lie, when it comes to gender and family roles.
For example we see many more women taking the leading role in expatriate families; whether it be as technical experts, business women, or diplomats. However we also see that certain facets of life have yet to catch up with these trailblazing ladies. Men often find it hard to become the ‘trailing spouse’, which is already a problematic term. However what, decades ago, may have been seen as an opportunity for women to live a life of luxury abroad doesn’t seem to translate the same for men following their expat wives or partners.
I want to openly discuss some issues that we might face when deciding to become the trailing spouse. I believe there isn’t a lot of discussion with regards to the male perspective in this. At least, that’s how I felt when I was researching this exact same thing.
Change in perception, expectations and attitudes
There is a sort of expectation that the other, or trailing spouse, should follow their expat partner; helping out with things like managing the house and raising children. The large majority of expat couples still follow a working husband, stay at home wife formula, which we have come to see as normal. However such assumptions come from traditional beliefs that work was solely the domain of the husband and ‘house affairs’ solely that of the wife. So when the roles are switched we see some problems emerging as we try and reposition what we traditionally thought was normal into a new and unique situation.
There are a few options for the new ‘trailing husband’, if you will;
- Completely take on the role of a househusband.
- Continue to be the ‘breadwinner’, despite your wife’s role; because that’s what society tells you to do.
- Create hybrid roles for you as a couple.
This blog favours the hybrid approach. One person doesn’t need to completely relinquish their dreams for the benefit of the other. However, we also need to acknowledge that this is the harder option. You might both love your work, but the interpretation of your long term career goals might need to change. You are acknowledging that this lifestyle will need constant monitoring. At times it can feel like you’re moving forward without knowing where you’re going.
That’s why stereotypes and traditional roles are so popular. Because it’s easier to fall into something familiar rather than try and burn a completely new path. It might be difficult to explain exactly what you’re doing to your friends and family, however, if it’s working towards what both of you want, you need to stick at it. I feel like this is a big reason why men may not want to leave what is normal for them, and follow their wife as she tries to find her own path. It’s also the reason why we might hear things like; ‘industry X or job X is not good for women.’
Starting from zero is hard/moving is hard
Many people assume language barriers are something that just melt away once we arrive in a country. That isn’t necessarily the case, which is why settling into a new country can be challenging.
For those of us who do move, it can be a little like starting from zero. Moving cities or countries involves completely uprooting not only your belongings but also what makes you a person. I haven’t heard many success stories of husbands who leave their jobs as lawyers or engineers and find the exact same thing in their new city. Especially if it wasn’t you who moved for work.
You might be wondering if this year is even the right one to consider moving abroad. Read my article here to find out what travel was like in the year 2021.
This can result in the husband finding work in an unrelated field. Or working at a much lower rank than what he had previously. When you consider things like; spouse work visa rules, language barriers, a lack of local contacts, and a completely different cultural context, it’s easy to see why many people (not just the husbands) don’t like the idea of resettling somewhere else.
Many people assume language barriers are something that just melt away once we arrive in a country. That isn’t necessarily the case, which is why settling into a new country can be challenging. Learning the language of the people takes prior preparation, as well as lots of work “on the ground”. If you’d like to read more about learning a language via exposure follow this link here. If you want to know about how to best prepare for your next move in life, check out this article here.
This often means trailing husbands who relocate will need to start their career path from zero, or put that path on hold for a time and do something else. Neither of these might come as an easy pill to swallow for someone who has spent years trying to build up their career. It’s for this reason that not everyone will want to relocate and become the trailing spouse.
What will I do with all my free time?
There can be a lot of free time for the trailing spouse, and this free time can be either a curse or a blessing. We all want to believe that with endless free time we can finally chase our goals and accomplish what we’ve always wanted. However, if we take the previous two points into consideration, we run into some challenges that make it difficult to settle in and mentally adjust.
Many people, despite claiming to be open-minded, are not necessarily ready for certain things. I go into a bit more detail about certain expectations people have of trailing husbands in this blog article here.
Therefore we still rely on what society or tradition tells us is right. From my experience, the idea of a househusband spending most of his time at home still doesn’t sit well with people. Regardless of whether or not he is looking after children and taking on housework. The ways by which we used to judge someone else’s success, all of a sudden, don’t seem appropriate to be applied to the other. It can be hard for us to accept and internalise the attitude shift that being a trailing husband requires; harder still for others to do the same.
Similarly, if you were a work-a-holic, the surplus of free time might also be difficult to get used to. How do you enforce a system of KPIs to make it feel like you aren’t wasting your time? Who will be there to keep you responsible? If you are starting a long term project, how will you actually know if you’re getting any closer to your goal or not? Sometimes all the extra time can become it’s own prison for those who were used to regimented office hours.
Sometimes the blessing of free time can feel undeserved when everyone sees you at home and your wife at the office. Ultimately, the extra time has the potential to turn you into a completely different person. It’s something a lot of people pray and dream of. I wrote an article here, about the potential to completely change and improve yourself through following an expat spouse. If you are able to manage the expectations of nosy outsiders, you can learn life-changing skills and abilities. However, what you make of your free time is up to you.
The system doesn’t favour us
From my experience, the idea of a househusband spending most of his time at home still doesn’t sit well with people. Regardless of whether or not he is looking after children and taking on housework.
The last challenge that might come up against husbands looking to live the trailing spouse lifestyle is the system itself. We’ve already spoken about how society can create it’s own pressures upon househusbands. However, sometimes the internal structure of your wife’s work might not favour such a relationship.
Certain things like spouse allowances, visas, and various forms of leave were originally penned with a working husband and trailing wife in mind.
Depending on which country you go to, you may not enjoy the same working rights you did back at home. Your wife will be ok, because she’s getting the working visa. However, you might either have to apply on your own passport or get an ‘accompanying spouse’ kind of deal. There’s a particular, although dated, image that the words ‘accompanying spouse’ often conjures up. One of the lady of leisure, sipping her classic cocktails while the husband does all the running around. For husbands who want to work and create their own paths while overseas, this may not be what we’re looking for.
Suffice to say there are a lot of challenges when it comes to being the trailing spouse. The husband’s perspective builds on this, we have our own challenges and experiences that are similar but slightly unique to us too. This blog loves the ‘anything is possible’ approach to life but being the trailblazer has never been easy. Doing things the unique way, how you want to do it, can be difficult and not everyone will understand you, however, I believe it’s the most fulfilling.
