Going on your first expat posting, is all about self discovery; but it’s also about community.
The expat experience can often be quite a lonely one. Your house, your office, and the path in between the two might seem like the only safe havens in your new city.
There are a lot of things that compound the loneliness, making it difficult for expats to want to venture out on their own. Dealing with loneliness is different for the expat and the trailing spouse. With the current COVID-19 pandemic, many people have been experiencing loneliness.
Even things that we relied on to fight loneliness, social gatherings, eating out, mall visits, have been greatly affected since the COVID-19 pandemic.
Your experience with loneliness might differ from that of your spouse, especially if you are the “trailing spouse”.
They have an office and, potentially, some workmates and like-minded people from their industry to talk to. What do you have?
We all have our own ‘tribe’ or community. Whether it be coworkers, coffee buddies, friends, or family; if you left your community in your home town you might be feeling a little lonely in your new location.
It’s important to form a close network in your new location of trustworthy and reliable people. They can share interests and cultural ties with you. You might even find the experience of being a trailing spouse forms a sense of belonging and gives you all something to collectively bond over.
Fighting off loneliness
Loneliness can be the result of a variety of things. Your access to the outside world might be cut off by:
- Lack of communication skills (language and culture)
- Not feeling ready to do everything yourself
- Fear of leaving your safe space
Lack of communication skills (language and culture)
Not sharing the same language as the locals in your city or country can make you feel alone.
It’s impossible to express yourself, meet new friends, or join a community, if you cannot speak the language. However, as many expats can relate, it’s not always as easy as “just learning a language”.
I feel like those people who think you can learn a language from day one just by setting foot in the country have never really tried it. Combined with other expectations of surviving as an expat, learning a new language to complete fluency is an intimidating task.
Here is my response to those who say “all you need is immersion.” Have a look at this article, which I wrote on exactly this subject.
What you might be able to do, in the time that you’re living abroad, is learn enough of a language.
Enough of the language to express what you want, enough to ask for directions back home, enough numbers to know you’re not being cheated at a store.
It’s possible to develop a basic grasp of the language, even though your accent will be far from perfect.
Going abroad with this mindset, rather than wanting to reach native-like fluency, relieves a lot of the pressure on yourself. If you find you have more time, and you find the language enjoyable, by all means continue; but don’t feel like you need to reach astounding levels of competency in your target language before, during, or even after your stay.
If you plan to have more complex outings, maybe carrying around a notebook would be handy?
The night before or on the morning itself, write out some phrases you think will help you be understood. If you’re going to the post office, prepare some useful vocabulary; like sent, delivery, as well as vocab for weight and costs. Even if you never use the book, don’t go in blind!
Also, the standard of online translators now has developed a lot! It’s not just Google Translate anymore.
There are apps that actually translate pictures and even your recorded voice into your target language.
The person you’re talking to can reciprocate in their own language too. This is tedious, and technology will fail sometimes, but it helps get the job done. Hopefully, it can also break down some barriers and help remove some of the fear of speaking to the locals.
But, if you really would like to continue your language studies, and impress the locals. Check out the offer I have for readers at the bottom of this article!
Not feeling ready to do everything yourself
There’s a certain independence required when living as an expat in a foreign country.
We actually learnt this independence when we were much younger. We already had our stumbling blocks when we were teenagers buying groceries and catching public transport for the first time.
At least for me, it feels like some of that needs to be relearnt again. Not knowing things that you, which you should already have learnt, can really make you feel small and insignificant.
Once you accept that there is a little bit of relearning to do; whether it be directions in the new city, or some basic vocabulary, it’ll be easier to start down the path to confidence.
“Easy” tasks like going for a haircut now come with so much stress and apprehension.
Where will I go? Who’s good enough to trust? Will I be understood? However simple tasks like this are indicative of the slow path to integration and feeling “at home”. If you’d like some more tips and pointers to look out for when trying to answer the question “have I settled in?”, check out this article here.
This is where friends and the expat community comes in.
No one said that you need to do it all alone. Human beings by their nature are very social creatures. Having that small group of people who are all going through the same thing can be really beneficial. A small collective of expats can help you with the logistic and emotional issues of settling into a new country.
You can also begin to re-establish a network that was similar to the one you had before.
Can’t find the certain ingredients you had before? Maybe someone within the community has already gone on that journey.
Not sure which public places are safe and fun for the family? Perhaps you can explore them together with somebody from your community.
Being part of a larger community means there’s going to be someone looking out for you if things go wrong. It means that the same responsibility might be thrown onto you as well. It will keep you active in social groups and can help fight off loneliness.
The expat communities have many ways of bringing a little piece of home wherever they go; often that could be food or with shared stories and experiences.
Sometimes just a meal or a tale from home is enough nostalgia to warm over your feelings of loneliness and homesickness for a while. You can learn a lot about people, as well as surviving in a new city, by listening to their experiences.
Fear of leaving your safe space
As mentioned before, it’s important to identify your safe places early on.
You want your house to be the place where you can be yourself. Wear what you want to wear, eat what you want to eat, and speak your own language. Even if outside you can’t do any of those things, at least you can keep control of your situation in your own house.
It’s too easy, however, to wall yourself up and never leave your fortress of safety. Even grocery deliveries can be done via an app nowadays, so there really is no need to ever venture out of your house while on your expat posting.
While you might not feel any desire to leave your house, let me tell you there is a need. Everyone likes some alone time. However, we all like to eat somewhere, visit new places, and smell the fresh air of a new city. Even for the most introverted of introverts, a change of scenery can be great for your mental and physical health.
As the trailing spouse, you might find that your life revolves around and depends on your working expat spouse. However, wearing the title of a trailing spouse shouldn’t stop you from wanting to explore, visit unique locations, and create your own opportunities.
Both of you need to have some ways of emotional expression that are yours alone. This is where having an expat friend or community can be really helpful. Communities can provide someone in a similar position as yourself who can show you the ropes until you feel comfortable to venture out on your own.
Being in a new city can be scary, having to learn all these new things alone can be uncertain and daunting. To read a post I wrote about dealing with uncertainty earlier in the pandemic period; follow this link.
You might just think it’s easier to stay at home, and I can’t blame you. It might be easier, but the more fulfilling option would be to go outside. You may discover new places, foods, and hobbies you would otherwise never have the chance to experience.
Find people that you trust who can help you deal with your loneliness and slowly open the city up to you and you to it.
If you’ve reached the end of this article, firstly thank you. But you are probably interested in impressing the locals with how well you speak their language.. And what this special offer is that I have for you, dear reader.
One of the things that finally helped things click with my Turkish studies was taking things at my own time with a private tutor. Italki is one of the most popular, and best ways to learn a wide selection of languages, with an even wider ranger of teachers.
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