Marriage is this amazing relationship between two individuals that has the potential to bring limitless joy to someone’s life. It also brings with it many other things, some you may have never expected. Today I’m talking about certain expectations that come along when you are married and your wife is the expatriate. She is the one who will be moving around between cities and countries. What are the expectations of others on you and how do you manage those expectations?

If you’re looking for some reasons to follow your expatriate spouse overseas, follow this link to another post I’ve written.

Let’s get this straight, you didn’t get married because of other people. So ultimately you should be living your lives happily because of each other. However, regardless of how much you ignore the outside world, it will always try and creep into your lives. One way it does this is through the expectations others have of you and how they interact with you. Some of these expectations may begin to affect you or the way you see yourselves. You might question what you are doing if it doesn’t match up to the expectations of your loved ones.

Today, I will be covering some of the unique expectations I have encountered being married to the expat in the relationship. Then I will talk about the best ways to manage these thoughts and continue to live the life that is most appealing to you.

The expectation that you as the husband should be doing ‘something’.

Expectation: 

Even though your wife might be killing it in her own field, often the focus eventually returns back to you. Sometimes it’s because people need to see that you are more successful at something than your wife, otherwise, they get uncomfortable. To some people, it makes a man look like less of a man if he is not also at the same level. Surely you’re not just sitting around at home, reaping the benefits of having an expatriate spouse? 

‘So does the wife work at the same office as well?’ I remember one person asked a friend of ours. Actually no, we thought. The wife is the boss at the office, the husband helps support her. We decided to let it go, perhaps that line of thinking was too radical.

If you’re the so-called ‘trailing spouse’ in the relationship, you may come up against some questions and curious looks. To learn more about the life of a trailing husband, check out my post here.

Management:

The course of life ebbs and flows, and because of that, at certain parts in your lifetime one partner may be having a higher position or earning more than the other. This is normal even if both partners are living in one city. Therefore it bewilders me that people cannot see that logically if a husband moves because of his expat wife; she will be in a secure position immediately, but it could take him months to set up in his new situation. Finding a job is hard enough, new languages, potential visa requirements and, how could we forget a global pandemic, all work to compound the difficulty of finding a job in a new city. Yet people don’t seem to see any of this.

The first step to managing this is coming to an agreement as a couple.

• What is your own plan?
• Will you, as the husband, not work at all during your wife’s overseas placement?
• How long will it take to find work again?
• Will you be able to work the same role that you did in your home country?

After both you and your wife are comfortable with your own progress, come up with a unified story. If people don’t like to hear that you’ll be a househusband while you’re wife is working; maybe say you’re doing your research. Come up with something together that you can say to people who think they are privy to your private matters. It can be something that shuts the conversation down or something that draws their attention to another topic. For example, you could be; ‘between jobs,’ ‘helping the family settle down,’ ‘taking care of affairs,’ ‘looking for work’, or ‘doing something online’.

The last step is not necessarily to go out and do something. You and your wife might be lucky enough to survive on just her salary from her company. However this is often not the case, and even if finances are not an issue, you may feel like you should be doing something. Don’t do something because people expect you to, but do it because it will make you a better person. Maybe it will be a positive use of your time, or maybe you can increase your skills for when the family moves back home. If working is completely out of the equation you may find that further study, volunteering, or other creative endeavours will add something positive to your life.

Your assistance in the emotional and mental support of your wife and family help out in ways only the two of you can appreciate.

Do not forget that there is another thing that you are doing. While no one will ever be able to see it or even understand it. The things you do for your wife to make life a little bit easier, to hear her out when she needs to vent, or to help her work through her problems and ideas, are just as important as you supporting her financially. Just because you are not doing anything in peoples’ eyes doesn’t mean that you aren’t contributing to the health and wellbeing of your relationship.

The expectation that your wife is still going to be looking after the house.

Expectation:

This is a remnant of an older time. However, despite the fact that it’s becoming normal for more women to find their work and corporate fulfilment, attitudes towards the house haven’t changed as much. It is still expected that the woman who is working her 9-to-5 should come home and look after the cooking, cleaning, and children.

Management:

If you have been married for a while, I would hope that you have picked up that this can’t always work for your relationship. Your wife can’t do all the things her expatriate job requires her to and do all the housework as well. If you haven’t noticed that, maybe it’s time to clue in on who does what around the house.

You will find that you need to change your focus. Ask ‘what does our household need to function properly?’ instead of who should do which tasks around the house? It might not be appropriate in some people’s eyes but you might need to be the one who sends the kids to school, does the shopping, or, heaven forbid, do the work around the house.

A relationship like yours requires some flexibility in your attitudes. Instead of considering it like you are doing a woman’s work, you can do it out of love for her, or for the greater family unit. Again the most important thing to do is communicate. This way you will be able to delegate tasks appropriately and you will also be able to express how you feel. If you honestly feel like you are becoming a housemaid then you should also address this with your wife. This blog isn’t encouraging you to do all of the house chores without compromise. It’s encouraging you to think beyond husband work vs wife work. Find a balance where you are both happy with your lives and your houses. 

The most important thing when managing the expectations of others on you as a couple; is communicating with and uplifting each other. You need to make sure both of you have like-minded goals. You also need to help each other out when one of you starts listening to the negative advice of others. Don’t forget that the assistance you provide as a trailing husband might not be measurable in the eyes of others. Your assistance in the emotional and mental support of your wife and family help out in ways only the two of you can appreciate. It is the essential building block in creating that support system for both yourself and your wife.