How do we judge ourselves and our own self-worth as a “trailing-spouse”? In recent times the term has come under some scrutiny, and rightly so. It sort of implies that you aren’t the one in the driver’s seat. You are the trailing one, so doesn’t that imply the other partner is the one leading?
When we make the choice to follow our spouse, whether it be for business, work, or even family matters, these thoughts are just some that run through our minds. And with prolonged exposure, it might impact on things like your sense of self-worth.
It can be easy to look at your spouse’s career or status and compare it to yours. You are seen as being successful by association only, riding the coattails of the spouse in the spotlight.
People no longer judge you for who you are, but rather as a reflection of whatever your partner might be doing.
Just because some people call you a trailing-spouse, doesn’t make you a shadow spouse or a valueless spouse. Let’s see how we can still lead our own lives, and be the main character in our rich, and fulfilling story…
An initial note on self-esteem and self-worth
Any discussion on finding one’s own self-worth in uncertain and changing circumstances has to start here.
Self-worth and how you value yourself are very internal concepts. And it’s important to build up your self-esteem as we progress through this stage in our lives.
That is to say, we have to work on not just seeing ourselves in a positive light, but putting ourselves in a positive light. Focusing on finding the good rather than the bad when we look at ourselves.
It may seem that right now, your spouse has all the limelight. Everyone knows their name and accolades, while they just know you as the plus-one. But you must remember this is something you wanted for your spouse too. You wanted them to be satisfied in their career, and happy to make their own progress.
Don’t resent your spouse. You need to be happy for the success of your spouse, and support them. Their successes do not detract from your own, there’s enough goodness to go around. But living as the trailing-spouse for long periods of time can really test how much you believe in these principles.
The other thing you may have to worry about, is the attention and whispers of others. People love to share their opinions about things they don’t know; and your life is no exception.
There may be people who believe you shouldn’t be doing what you’re doing, or that you’re on the wrong path. Part of the journey towards self-worth and self-love is learning to block those voices out.
If you would like to learn more about how to create your own life, with your spouse, and ignoring the opinions of others, check out my article here.
Don’t be ignorant, or oblivious to what’s going on around you. But realise that ultimately, there are more opinions out there than necessary. Learn to find the ones you trust and believe in, and just let the others fly over your head.
If we cannot fix our self-esteem and how we view ourselves, it will always be hard to find our value and self-worth.
Focus inwards and on family
You are moving to a new place, partially, because of your spouse. It is sort of in the name “trailing-spouse”.
But for all the discussion on being your own person, and breaking free from stereotypes, there is also something really great about simply focusing on you and your family.
A focus on family doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of focus on what’s important to you.
But going on this journey means that, at least to some degree, your family is important to you too. You want to see your spouse succeed and you want them to have a fulfilling life; that also makes you fulfilled.
So, there is nothing wrong with those who want take care of everything at home. Manage all the affairs of the house, create a unique living space for you and your family, and raise any children who might also be in the picture too.
We tend to think that these tasks are simple, no brain tasks. It’s just doing the dishes. It’s just the kid’s homework. But all the parts of running a smooth household, no matter how small, combine together to form a complex and layered matrix of habits, routines, and actions.
You should be proud of yourself for focusing on family matters and creating a warm and loving environment for everyone.
Many people often find that this is enough for them, that they are able to spend valuable years with their children, that they can avoid the pressures of office life. And through things like parent and family groups, you may still have the opportunity to meet new people. This role at the centre of an expat becomes their identity and helps with their self-worth.
However just because you want to focus on your family, doesn’t mean you don’t have to make time for yourself. There is still room for you to grow on your own. And for those of you who are moving without family too; these next points are for all of you.
On community and the need to fit in
The value of the community for expats cannot be understated. It isn’t necessarily just about feeling like you fit in.
But communities can often help us see a reflection of ourselves. It might help our own self-esteem and sense of value if we see ourselves as positively contributing to groups that are altruistic, or focused on various causes or interests. And of course, communities are one more way for us to find and express our passions.
Human beings are, after all, social creatures.
And you could even say a part of this has imprinted itself deep in our subconscious. So there’s nothing really wrong with creating and finding your self-worth in your group, clique, or tribe.
With communities come various personalities and group activities; all of these can help us break out from our normal household lives and show us something new.
If you were like more information, specifically on how communities can help expats manage their loneliness, check out my article here.
Communities can also provide purpose for their members. And as a trailing spouse giving yourself a purpose or mission can help you feel better about your self-worth.
Whether or not the community you belong to has some sort of volunteering program, education, or simple sessions to share and talk about life. Positively and ethically contributing to good causes helps others as well as yourself in ways you may not see yet.
Lastly, having a group of friends or community can give you an outlet to express your passions. Maybe you really like creative arts or collecting things. Being around like-minded individuals can give you the chance to experiment and play with your passions in a way that is safe and also encouraging.
Your passions and hobbies help give you an identity that reaches beyond that of being “the trailing spouse” or “the number 2” in the equation.
Groups that are focused on passions, and hobby groups, have a lot of crossover. And it’s a good idea to invest in something that you’re passionate about.
Investing in a hobby and investing in yourself
Hobbies tend to get a bad reputation. People tend to think about playing board games, collecting toys and old knick-knacks. It’s hard for some to think of this as something beneficial for self-respecting adults.
Firstly, if you’re hobby is computer games, roleplaying-games, or comic books. More power to you! Sometimes what are often sold as “children’s entertainment” can be appreciated on completely new levels as adults.
Being the trailing-spouse gives you the opportunity to explore and be open to things you may not have been before.
So if you always wanted to do something physical like dance, or jiu-jitsu, but you were too worried about what others would think about you; now’s the time to try it out.
When you are in a new city, looking for ways to define yourself as well as for new groups of people. This is the best time to try out a new hobby!
Beyond exploring intriguing new subcultures, hobbies can be a way to positively invest in ourselves. And investing in ourselves is a way to help us feel about our self-worth and who we are.
Through hobbies one can learn;
- Libraries worth of information on new topics. They can be hyper-specific or very wide-ranged.
- About how different people live and what makes them tick.
- New skills that you may; pursue simply for creative purposes, or use at later stage in life for work or otherwise.
So for the expat and travelling spouse, I highly recommend checking out some hobbies near you. Go play that sport, or try that thing you’ve always wanted to. Don’t worry about judgement and focus on experiencing new things and building new ideas.
Skills
What is a flow on effect that might happen if you do choose to pursue those hobbies? You could learn some new skills!
Take the time and effort to make that first step, and dive into a new world of hobbies. It can be incredibly rewarding. Not only will you meet new people, discover new ways to identify yourself, but you could also learn new skills.
It could be learning a musical instrument, or playing a sport. But your hobby of choice might also be a bit more left of field. Yet every hobby can potentially teach new skills.
You can learn new skills from all kinds of crafts; like soap-making, knitting, and nowadays things with resin moulds are very popular. Something like Geocaching, teaches you a wind range of out outdoor and orienting skills. There’s even skills to be had in hobbies like cosplay and Live Action Roleplay (LARP).
While hobbies do not have to lead into employment, any of the potential skills you learn during that time might be able to help you out. New skills could lead to different career growth and job opportunities.
Learning a new skill can give us a new perspective on life. Many people often talk about expatriate postings and the trailing-spouse life as a way to create a new version of yourself.
What better to way, to create a “new you”, by learning new skills to help you access a completely different side of life?
Whether or not you have moved to a country that speaks a different language. Or you just feel it’s time to learn something new. There are many good reasons to learn a foreign language. If you would like to find out about a special offer that I have for readers who are interested in learning another language; check out the bottom of this article for a special link!
You are not just one label, you’re the label maker
One last thing I wanted to add is this. As the trailing-spouse, you will have a lot of questions about who you are. You already come with quite a problematic label stuck on your forehead; that is, the “trailing-spouse” itself.
The term automatically pushes you on the back foot. Puts you behind your spouse, as if you are simply following their dreams and not paying attention to your own.
It is important break free of terms and labels that might restrict you and your thoughts. You don’t ever have to be one thing.
Yes, you can be the spouse that followed. But you can also be the one holding down the fort at home, the one with the quirky new friends, the one who knows the in’s and out’s of the new city, or even the one who got their master’s degree while no-one was watching!
So don’t worry about how others label you. Be the printer, the label making machine. Create your own labels and names, and dress yourself in them!
If you enjoyed reading this article, why not head over here, where you can continue to read about the topic. Married Expat Life, Who Is It Good For and Who Is Good For It?
If you’ve reached the end of this article, firstly thank you. But you are probably interested in how trailing-spouses can learn a foreign language and learn new skills. And what this special offer is that I have for you, dear reader.
One of the things that finally helped things click with my Turkish studies was taking things at my own time with a private tutor. Italki is one of the most popular, and best ways to learn a wide selection of languages, with an even wider ranger of teachers.
