What exactly is a Multilingual Couple? And is it a new phenomenon?
I would say that in modern times, technology has helped our borders shrink. It makes us all feel a lot closer than we used to. We now talk about neighbouring countries, whereas before such a concept would never have existed. Let alone a multilingual couple.
Now the idea of dating and even marrying someone from a completely different country is not unheard of. It still presents its difficulties. However, more and more, it is becoming something normal in society. However, a multilingual couple faces new problems in communications that may not have been experienced before.
Nowadays, technology is responsible for so many of the problems as well as solutions in our lives. We will see just how important that is, for multilingual couples, as well as language learners. If you make it to the end of the article you will also find a special offer for tech savvy language learners.
What is a Multilingual Couple?
For the sake of this discussion, let’s cast as wide a net as possible. Any couple made up of people with different cultural upbringings, even if they come from the same linguistic background, could be considered a multilingual couple in this blog.
- Do you speak English as a native language, while your partner had to learn it?
- Do you both speak English, despite it being neither of your mother tongues?
- Perhaps you don’t have a common medium of communication at all? This last option is still viable, but I won’t be covering too much about it.
Even if you fall in the mysterious Third Culture Child (TCK) or Heritage Language speaker categories, you might still consider your relationship to be a multilingual one. There are many expats from Europe and Asia who speak their heritage languages to varying degrees. When they marry someone from ‘back home’, or someone from their heritage culture, communication problems may arise.
After all the connotations are different. One person grew up speaking the language as a native, whilst the other problem only spoke it to parents or at culture events. You could consider such a couple, a multilingual couple.
At home, you may speak your own unique blend of languages. A little bit of your own mother tongue, a little bit of your partners. And probably a bit extra for good measure.
Understandings and Misunderstandings
Our lack of understanding of the nuances of each other’s language and culture locked that side of her away from me.
Couples from the same town will face misunderstandings. It’s just part of learning to live with another person in the same household.
So for a multilingual couple, the added language barriers (no matter how small) further complicate the issue.
There are a lot of things that may need to be re-said, slowed down, and re-explained. What you thought was a simple afterthought might actually take a minute or so to explain to your partner. You might find that you are mentally checking yourself each time you want to speak.
If you would like to learn more about how to help your partner understand you better, I have written a follow-up article about it here. I talk about the various cues (verbal and non-verbal) that might contribute to better understanding as multilingual couple.
In terms of what get’s misunderstood I feel it works for the largest of topics as well as the smallest topics. You may completely avoid large topics like politics or technical subjects because one of you doesn’t have the vocabulary to engage with the subject matter. There are still many topics you can cover that do not rely on such vocabulary. However, this affects what couples can talk about at length. It may encourage the two of you to develop forms of non-verbal communication and bonding.
When it comes to the smaller things, there are very nuanced topics that are difficult to explain to your partner. This is related as much to your actual language proficiency as it is to your understanding of your partner’s culture and way of thinking. It might not actually be normal for men and women to talk about certain topics in different cultures. If you were never encouraged to introspect and talk about your feelings, you might feel a little confused as to why your partner spends so much time talking about it.
Likewise, cultural connotation and colloquialisms are things that you need to experience before you can understand them like a native.
In spoken language, people use words in ways that you might not be able to find in the dictionary and this can get confusing. It becomes extremely difficult to understand what your partner is saying if they are not using words in their dictionary definition.
This is why, multilingual couple or not, it can be extremely difficult to learn a language. It takes a long time, and just like a relationship, is a commitment that needs constant work.
If you are feeling a little unimpressed with your study progress; check out this article here. You will find you are not alone and that you are probably further along in your journey than you initially thought.
It is hard to stop yourself and realise you are speaking a little too colloquially or “normally” and that this is confusing your partner.
It’s true that to understand the nuances of spoken language you need to be exposed to it a lot. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to go to the country where the language is spoken.
There are many opportunities to experience spoken language for those who are creative. Try things like language exchange apps, migrant communities near you, and multimedia. For more thoughts on in-country immersion, I have an article here.
Can I fully be myself ?
I enjoyed watching the above video by DuoLingo about multilingual couples.
Julie from Denmark spoke about learning how to be funny in English. She lamented that potentially her American partner would never actually know her completely until he learnt Danish.
She indicated that there was a part of her that was very innate, a part that only those from the same linguistic and cultural background could understand.
I noticed this in my mother as well.
I used to think she was very diminutive and quiet. However, as my Malay language improved and as more Malay people came into our lives, I realised she was hilarious! Our lack of understanding of the nuances of each other’s language and culture locked that side of her away from me.
Shouldn’t I be able to share my deepest secrets with my life partner?
If they don’t know the true me who will?
It’s an interesting question and it’s something that may be unique to a multilingual couple. There are ways that couples can deal with it; maybe by learning their partner’s language or by finding ways of expression unique to your lives. Learning your partner’s language can be tricky, you don’t want to turn them into a free tutor. You can read about my own thoughts on learning your partner’s language here.
A long time ago your range for potential partners was probably limited by the edge of the lake. Now the idea of dating and even marrying someone from a completely different country is not unheard of.
How can we learn more about each other?
A seemingly straightforward answer would be to learn your partner’s language; just do it! However it can take time, you may even need to go seek help from other speakers, and learn on your own.
At the end of it, you might still find that with all the difficulties of speaking in English, your partner prefers it to you speaking their mother tongue; slowly and awkwardly.
In his blog, Polyglot Olly Richards says that those who successfully learn a language from their partner or spouse are in the minority. 70% of people have found that it is too hard to learn their partner’s language and revert back to a common language for both of them.
The other option is to look at the human interaction that is going on here. Many people say that even without speaking to their partners they feel a deeper connection, and this connection can be felt regardless of language.
In my experience teaching English, I found that you can bond over a common interest and cultural experiences very readily. There is a human element of interaction that doesn’t require language. Many couples I know simply go on living with each other and find other ways to get along that don’t involve learning the necessary languages.
Learning to love and live with someone isn’t just about understanding the actual words coming out of their mouth.
It’s also understanding their expressions and personality. What makes them up as a person can be just as important as the language they are speaking. Living with someone like this is an exercise in patience, sharing, and consideration. You will learn that sometimes your partner won’t always understand you correctly. You will learn to not get annoyed if you have to repeat yourself over and again.
In some ways, this style of living might even encourage a greater emotional understanding and a deeper sense of communication.
If you’ve reached the end of this article, firstly thank you. But you are probably interested in the way technology can help language learners. And what this special offer is that I have for you, dear reader.
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